If you build it, it’ll name itself.

Posted on April 5, 2008


So far the most tear-jerking, earth-shattering, jelly-oozing comment I’ve ever had my name attached to is right here:


I didn’t know whether to laugh, be pissed, piss off a stranger or buy myself a drink. So I bought myself a drink, and while laughing pissed on a pissed-off stranger. 

I’ll try and gather the energy to honor some of the brave people who have spent some time with GT and blogged stuff about it. SO that’ll be probably up within the next 10 years.

Oh, and the top ten list? Will those pesky drawings ever get it made and post it online? I don’t know. Ok, yes I DO know. So here they are. But I went over some of Cain’s browser history records and apart from all the http://www.qmov.com bookmarks I found some of these videos. I’m going to try and figure out why he likes these. It’s hard enough that he’s imaginary, he also doesn’t have eyes. Anyway here we go. If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son, but if you wanna see some videos just scroll on down.



10. Drip (vocals by Beng Calma) Live at Saguijo: Swanker

The Cain Award For A-Jaw-Dropping-And-Spit-Drooling-Worthy Performance At The Same Time

It must be her voice. It must be the looks on their seemingly composed yet totally relaxed stage-savvy presence. Or it must be this vague memory I have of screaming (YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!) at Bheng’s face at a Christmas party last year. I can’t even remember if we were properly introduced to each other. I just think Cain likes it for the electrosynth bipidi-bipidi-bipidiing throughout the song, constantly expanding like a sonic rubber band.

9. TUNNG – Bullets

The Cain Award For A Holy Moment Involving Home Appliances In Space

Here’s a video that makes you feel like your God’s stoner best friend who just visited for the summer and he’s showing you the sights around the universe for 3 days and then takes you to his favorite bar at the end of the galaxy where his friends Thistlejack, Whenthewhenwordwantswarts, Carrier1 and Carrier 2 hang out and talk of the past, present, future in 14 languages all at the same time. Cain likes this sort of stuff because he says if he couldn’t be a god, he’d just be as happy as being God’s best buddy, being there for him all the time, dispensing advice while raiding his Fridge for Cheetos.

8. DJ Format – We know something you don’t know vs. Grandaddy – Nature Anthem

The Cain Award For That Nice Fuzzy Feeling

It would be totally illegal to choose which one is better.

7. HD Halo 3 Vid Doc: Cinema Paradiso

The Cain Award For Total Gaming Awesomeness

In the days of yore, it was Battle City. Then Contra. Operation Wolf. The Mario Series. Street Fighter. Etc. Fast forward to the now and it seems that Atari was electrocuted with a Prozac-addicted God of Time-Wasters and here we are with Halo 3. In the future, human babies will have larger left hands and longer fingers for keyboard clicking and right hands with nimbler pointer fingers with an express line to the brain. 

6. Video explains the world’s most important 6-sec drum loop

The Cain Award For Being Truly Thorough During The A.D.H.D. Age

Can you be anymore thorough about something no one ever really thinks about but almost everyone who has bit his lower lip to a beat has already been living with for the 50 years? When a video about a peanut with a depression streak complete with testimonials relating the topic to grunge and motown music is released, Cain and I will be there to applaud it.

5. Bendito Machine – Winner of 2006 Aniboom Awards

The Cain Award For Profundity In Small Doses

This is one of those things where you think you just wasted your time but actually, the meaning of life was just explained to you. And if you didn’t get it the first time, you, your sons and their dogs’ fleas will never get it. Forever.

4. Kent “Toast” French, The World’s Fastest Clapper

The Cain Award For Hands That Defy Normality

However, this is one of those things that you think you’re going to see something really mind-blowing but actually it really is just a guy who claps really fast. Cain loves showing this to girls right before he gropes them and screams “Talladega Nights blows, but Old School flies!” in their faces. It’s amazing.

3. Feist – 1234 – Letterman 08/27/2007

The Cain Award For Community Fellowship For Positivity And Rice Cakes

Is it possible for a video to contain all the love, sugar-free lattes, rabbits, hellos, hugs, handshakes, brotherhood, hope and kindness in the world and still come out excellent? Yes.

2. Billy Crystal – Home Videos

The Cain Award For 80’s Comedians Who Done Good

One of those things where you say to yourself, “You know, I wish I could’ve thought this up myself.” No? Ok.


The Cain Award For Iron Testicles And Fluid Style Combo

Here’s a guy who gives the world a finger and takes a 3 string guitar and names it The Transwonder, uses a real box for percussion and calls it The Mississippi Drum Machine then goes deep into his life and releases his blues hounds on the world with a name like Seasick Steve. This is Cain if he had a beard, wore plaids and never forgave you for not tattooing his name on your booty. This is “Be Yourself” immortalized.

There. Would he have arranged these videos in this order? I don’t know. I bet some of you guys don’t agree with the list even. That’s why he’s Cain and I don’t want to be Abel. 

And now for something completely different.

This will definitely bake your Star Wars cake. Great work akjak.com!

Posted in: Update